AMAZING Facts!

Such a long read but very interesting :)

1. In order to unravel the paradox that is mankind, we should examine the word itself: 'Mankind'. Interestingly, it consists of two words - 'mank' & 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's an enigma and so is mankind. 'Politics' also consists of two words, 'poly' meaning many, and 'tics' as in tiny bloodsucking parasites.

2. If you can smile when things go wrong you already know who you're going to blame.

3. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

4. Hangovers - Tell yourself you are simply suffering the wrath of grapes.

5. Allow children to make their own mistakes. Laughing at their stupidity also helps.

6. Children need encouragement. If your child gets an answer right, tell them it was a lucky guess. That way they'll develop a good, lucky feeling.

7. Don't forget that depression is only anger without enthusiasm.

8. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it!

9. If you must choose between two evils, pick one you've never tried before.

10. (How to satisfy a woman) - Adore, appreciate, caress, charm, cherish, coax, compliment, embrace, enchant, enthrall, hug, humor, honor, idolize, pamper, phone, promise, relish, respect, sacrifice for, savor, serenade, spoil, stroke, treasure, understand, venerate & worship. (How to satisfy a man) - Show up naked!

11. Doing the job right first time gets the job done. Doing it 17 times gives you job security!

12. If you eyes hurt after drinking coffee, remove the spoon from the cup.

13. All power corrupts! Absolute power is pretty cool, though.

14. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

15. If something were worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?

16. Let people know where you stand, wear the same socks for a month.

17. Be nice to the loners and nerds at school... you'll be working for them in the future!

18. Avoid embarrassing children in front of their peers by forbidding them to ever bring friends home.

19. Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're sure he won't get up!

20. If all life gives you is lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

21. Avoid the embarrassment of tripping in public by repeating the same movement several times to make it look like a normal part of your behavior.

22. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation!

23. Dead men don't bite, but pretty soon they start to smell.

24. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

25. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

26. If you can't beat them... arrange to have them beaten.

27. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're a prick.

28. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouthpart of the face.

29. When all else fails... lower your standards.30. You will catch more flies with a bucket of sh*t than a spoonful ofhoney.

31. If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

32. One man's meat is another man's meat... after 72 hours of pioneering surgery.

33. It may be that your only purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

34. Ambition is a lame excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

35. If at first you don't succeed, call it a day and have a beer!

36. Encourage independence in children by regularly losing them at the supermarket. 37. Remember that a clear conscience is usually the sign of a weak memory.

38. The things that come to those who wait are the things those who got there first didn't want. 39. Abandon the search for truth... settle for a good fantasy.

40. Never go to bed mad - stay up and fight.

41. When in doubt, mumble.

42. It's frustrating when you know all the answers and nobody asks you the questions.

43. There are very few problems that can't be solved by orders ending with '...or I'll shoot'.

44. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t.

45. Beauty is only a light switch away.

46. How to avoid a crocodile attack - Look the croc' straight in the eye and stick out your tongue to touch the tip of your nose. A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue but will be so impressed that it will attempt to copy you, causing its tongue to snap off.
Then it will bleed to death.

47. The meek will inherit the Earth... after everyone else has finished with it.48. How to avoid an attack from an unfriendly lion - Wait until the lion is 5 feet away and then ram a pair of ladders down it's throat.If you have trouble finding ladders in the jungle then a small item of furniture such as a bedside table or a cocktail cabinet will do.

49. Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control.

50. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

51. Never knock on death's door - ring the doorbell and run like f*ck!

52. He who laughs last just got the joke.

53. Remember it takes a big man to cry, but a bigger man to laugh at that man.

54. Birds of a feather flock together... and sh*t all over your car.

55. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy who can retire at 40 and laugh at everyone else working away for the next 25 years!

56. To prevent your toilet from smelling, piss in the shower!

57. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people look intelligent, until you hear them speak.

58. Eat healthily, exercise daily, think positively, and die anyway.

59. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

60. Stop judging others - even the inept and the laughable.